In the Flow with Healing Waters

There are many mysteries in life but none perhaps as mysterious as the mystery of how men and women differ. How we think, how we act, how we communicate, how we talk, how we listen, how we perceive things etc etc. The list, I think we can all agree is long. I recently came across this story that demonstrates how these differences can play out.

One of the most overlooked yet fascinating distinctions in the world is the difference between men and women. At first glance, it might seem like we’re quite similar—after all, we share the same basic anatomy. But once you dig a little deeper, you begin to notice that men and women think and feel in remarkably different ways. This story illustrates those differences so clearly that you’ll never forget it.

Imagine a guy named Fred who’s interested in a woman named Martha. He asks her out to a movie, and she says yes. They have a great time. A few days later, they go out to dinner and enjoy themselves again. They start seeing each other regularly, and before long, they’re no longer dating anyone else.

Then, one evening while driving home, Martha suddenly realizes something and says aloud, “Do you know that tonight marks exactly six months since we started seeing each other?”

Silence fills the car.

To Martha, the silence is deafening. She starts to worry: Is he upset that I mentioned it? Maybe he feels trapped in this relationship, or perhaps he thinks I’m pressuring him into something he’s not ready for.

Meanwhile, Fred is thinking: Wow, six months already.

Martha, now even more anxious, thinks: But wait, am I really sure I want this relationship to continue? Sometimes I wish I had more space to figure out what I truly want. Where is this going? Are we heading toward marriage? Children? A lifetime together? Am I ready for that? Do I even know this guy?

And Fred? He’s thinking: Let’s see, that means we started dating in February, right after I got the car serviced. I wonder if I’m due for an oil change.

Martha’s mind races: He’s upset. I can tell. Maybe he wants more from this relationship, more commitment, but he’s afraid I don’t feel the same way. Maybe he’s sensed my hesitation before I even realized it myself.

Fred is still lost in thought: I should have the transmission checked again. It’s not shifting smoothly, and I don’t care what those mechanics say—it’s definitely not the weather causing it. It’s 87 degrees outside, for crying out loud.

Martha, feeling increasingly guilty, thinks: He’s angry, and I can’t blame him. I’ve put him through so much, and I’m still not sure how I feel.

Fred, still thinking about his car, realizes: They’ll probably tell me the warranty expired. Those scumbags.

Martha, nearly in tears, thinks: Maybe I’m being unrealistic, waiting for a knight in shining armor when I’m sitting right next to a good man. A man who cares about me, and who I care about too. And now I’m hurting him with my silly, romantic fantasies.

Fred is now thinking: Warranty? I’ll show them a warranty…

“Fred,” Martha says softly.

“What?” Fred replies, startled.

“Please don’t torture yourself like this,” Martha says, her eyes filling with tears. “I never should have…I just feel so…” She breaks down, sobbing.

“What?” says Fred, completely bewildered.

“I’m such a fool,” Martha cries. “I know there’s no knight in shining armor. I know that. It’s silly. There’s no knight, and there’s no horse.”

“No horse?” Fred echoes, confused.

“You must think I’m such an idiot,” Martha says.

“No!” Fred quickly replies, glad to finally know the right answer.

“I just need some time,” Martha says, her voice trembling.

Fred, thinking as fast as he can, comes up with what he hopes is a safe response. “Yes,” he says.

Martha, deeply moved, touches his hand. “Oh, Fred, do you really feel that way?” she asks.

“What way?” Fred asks, bewildered.

“About time,” Martha says.

“Oh,” Fred replies. “Yes.” Martha turns to look at him, her eyes searching his, and Fred becomes increasingly nervous about what she might say next—especially if it involves a horse. Finally, she speaks.

“Thank you, Fred,” she says.

“Thank you,” Fred replies.

Fred takes Martha home, and while she lies in bed that night, a conflicted, tortured soul, crying until dawn, Fred gets back to his place, grabs a bag of Doritos, and settles in to watch a rerun of a college basketball game between two South Dakota junior colleges he’s never heard of. A small voice in the back of his mind tells him something significant happened in the car, but he’s pretty sure he’ll never figure out what, so he decides it’s best not to think about it.

The next day, Martha will call her closest friend, or maybe two, and they’ll talk about the situation for hours. They’ll analyze every word, every gesture, every nuance, considering all the possible meanings and implications. They’ll continue discussing it for weeks, maybe even months, without ever reaching a definite conclusion, but never losing interest.

Meanwhile, Fred, while playing racquetball one day with a mutual friend of his and Martha’s, will pause just before serving, frown, and ask, “Hey, Norm, did Martha ever own a horse?”

And that, folks, is the difference between men and women.

Although this is an amusing funny little story, our differences can create problems in our relationships. On a more serious note, how many times does a breakdown in communication end in an upset? In my experience, it has happened many times and a communication breakdown is not always between a man and a woman. It happens with every relationship, be it our friends, kids, neighbors, siblings, co-workers or spouses.

Clear communication would eliminate a lot of problems. It could decrease anger, frustration, hurt feelings, and confusion. Certainly, clear communication would create joy, happiness, and contentment. So where do we fall short? What are the obstacles that get in the way of communication?

Some obstacles that come to mind for me are.                                                                                                       *Opinions                                                                                                                                                                   *Egos                                                                                                                                                                         *Our own attitudes                                                                                                                                                        *Beliefs                                                                                                                                                                          *The desire to win/to be right                                                                                                                                        *Our individual patterns                                                                                                                                               *Lack of respect                                                                                                                                         *Unwillingness or fear around a conversation 

I am sure each of you could add to this list.

Where do we sometimes fall short in what we bring to a conversation?

*The tone of our voice. Sometimes our tone of voice can determine how the conversation will go.                                                                                                                                                *How we listen. Do you actually listen with your full attention or are you thinking about what it is you want to say next? Are you distracted with other things going on around you? Are you looking at your phone when someone is trying to have a conversation? Are you interrupting before the other person has finished talking?

*Are we so stuck in our ways that we are not able to open our minds to other possibilities?

*Not staying on topic. Do you bring up old stuff that is not pertinent to the current conversation?       *Resentment about unresolved issues                                                                                                               *Assuming our perception is correct.  Sometimes we need more information. Do we ask questions to clarify?

Again, you can all add to this list of where you find communication and conversations going sideways.

I believe for all of us our goal in life is to find joy, happiness, contentment and to live in gratitude.

What are some things we can try to help us be better communicators and create the life we want?

*Being a good listener. Sometimes people just want to vent, they want to be heard. They are not asking us to fix anything. So just listen and maybe ask “What is it that you need from me”?

*If we are not clear about what someone is saying, ask questions to get clarity. My husband wears hearing aids and I can’t tell you how many times his hearing loss has created confusion and frustration.  I ask him “What do you think I just said”, and sometimes what he hears is hilarious and nothing close to what I said.

* Be kind

*Be understanding

*Learn to compromise

*Learn to pick our battles

*Find Forgiveness. I say this every night in a prayer. Forgive me for any mistakes I have made today, and grant me the grace to forgive others who may have wronged me. I think we all know it goes both ways.

*Staying calm. Sometimes taking a pause, and taking a couple of deep breaths before we speak can help us to choose our words more wisely. Once words are spoken, we can’t take them back.

* Be respectful even if we disagree.

* Sometimes we may just agree to disagree.

Communicating in the Flow,

Donna