In the Flow with Healing Waters

As I was thinking about a blog to write it occurred to me that right now my life is good. I feel like I am balancing fun with work and responsibility. I am not struggling with relationships at the present moment. It has not always been like this for me. I was thinking about my daughter and her 2 children visiting us in Florida for 18 days this past Christmas. There was a time that this visit could have been a disaster. It was however a wonderful time and I was sad when it came to an end. You see, in the past my daughter and I could be like oil and water. So what changed?

When my daughter was around 15 the two of us went to a counselor. I honestly felt like one of us had to move out for my sanity. The counselor told me she was the most strong-willed child he had ever dealt with. He told me the best way to handle her was to not tell her no. His advice was to explain the consequences of whatever it was she was asking about and let her make the decision if it was worth it or not. Very good advice and it was helpful in our situation. She felt like she was making a decision and started making better choices…….sometimes. 

At 24 she had my first grandchild. I am not going to get into her story because it is hers to tell. I will say this, in many ways, she was dependent on me but wanted to be independent at the same time. I got totally wrapped up in her life, her troubles, and her mistakes. I got very involved in helping her raise her child. I took on the role of fixing everything. Sometimes she was ok with that and other times she was not. We were both creating chaos and confusion. Neither of us understood boundaries. There were arguments, times we were not speaking to each other, and hurtful exchanges of words. 

The biggest turning point for us was a self-improvement program that I first went through and then asked her to do the program.  We each had an opportunity to take a good look at ourselves. One day I was ranting to the group while in this program about my daughter. The leader of the program said to me “lower your expectations”. I thought that was ridiculous. If I wanted my daughter to succeed and make something of herself, why would I lower my expectations? What they helped me realize is that I was trying to control her life. And when she did not meet the expectations I set for her I was disappointed in her and angry with her. She never felt like anything she did was good enough for me. When she came to me with an issue I went immediately into fix-it mode telling her what she needed to do. Sometimes she was just needing someone to listen to her, to help her process her thoughts, not to fix it. How could I ever expect her to learn to problem solve when I was telling her what to do ALL THE TIME? She also got a chance to look at her own shortcomings as she went through the program. It was a game changer for us. It is not easy looking at ourselves, I mean honestly looking at how we are. How WE are not only affects us but those around us.  

Today we have a healthy relationship with boundaries. My daughter recently said to me regarding a situation “Oh my gosh the old me would have reacted to this in a totally different way”. And by that, she meant not a very pleasant way. We are not always perfect together but we are respectful. I am proud of us and where we are today.

There are so many helpful life-changing programs out there. The one I did happened to be in Indiana. Healing Waters offers a life-changing program that took them 3 years to develop. So much thought has gone into this program. I have taken it and highly recommend it. It is called the Perfect Triangle if you are ready for a change and taking a closer look at you. 

In the Flow, 

Donna